Twigs Spot

It has been a long time since I have written an entry in this seldom read blog. And the only thing that inspired me to write this particular entry is the tragic loss of the one person who read my blog consistently. The one person who sent me written responses to my entries, who expressed the way she felt and thought about what I wrote. Some of her responses were longer than the actual blog entry, and always a perfect blend of logic and emotion. Always signed "Burdock" at the end. She was Julie Burdick.

When Julie passed away in late January, news of her untimely death spread quickly. People were reaching out to one another and mourning together in a way that was unfamiliar to me. I had never experienced a loss like this one, someone so young and vibrant, so full of energy and charisma, such a positive spirit-suddenly, sadly, gone. The following week was filled with tears, phone calls, travel arrangements, and splashes of laughter when someone remembered a funny story, a brief moment in time that was shared with Julie, something to help ease the pain, to lessen the blow of the fact that we would not be creating any more memories with her. The wake and funeral came and went, and we all struggled to get back to living our lives in the way Julie did, with passion and compassion, without fear of failure.

Today I came across a card. The Christmas card she sent me this year was, as always, adorned with stickers and squiggly lines, and bearing a quote: "Leap and the net will appear"- Zen saying. How fitting that the last quote I would receive from her would address the way I have felt and the struggles I have faced since her passing; fearful. We all encounter fear, and I have grown to be adept at evading it’s imposing presence. In avoiding dealing with my fear, however, I now see that I have only allowed it to grow stronger, to hold more control over my thoughts and my actions, and in a way-to enslave me.

I am now in the process of facing my fears, and the first thing I realized is that what I thought was my biggest fear- facing my own mortality- plays second fiddle to another fear, one that came true when Julie died. What I fear most is losing those close to me, those I love and those who have made a profound impact on my life. Having recognized this, I have set out on my own spiritual journey, searching (as we all are) for the answers to life’s questions. This is no easy endeavor. It means questioning and coming to an understanding of values, beliefs, and faith, reading and listening to the wisdom imparted by the worlds religions and spiritual leaders- it means coming face to face with impermanence, and accepting it. It means preparing in this life for what the next life holds for us. It means leaping without a net. And I don’t think I’d have made the leap without Julie. Not just her death and what it meant to me, but her life and what it meant to everyone who was a part of it. She made the leap every day, and she inspired courage, love, and generosity of spirit in me and many others. We love you Julie, and when we seek an example of how we should live, your life fits the bill. Although I know I will not receive a written reply from you about this blog, I don’t need one. You have given me enough…

By now, most of you know or have heard about the Danish cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad that has incited riots and anger throughout the Muslim World. A Danish newspaper runs a cartoon depicting Muhammad wearing a turban with a bomb in it, among other things, which is reprinted in other European papers. Drawings or images of Muhammad are forbidden in Islam, as they can lead to idolatry. Muslims are furious and demand a retraction and apology, as well as laws to prevent future images being published.. They don’t get it, (though they did apologize for offending Muslims) and the papers insist they have the right to run whatever images they want, and riots erupt. What are the issues at play here? Freedom of Speech, freedom of the press, respect for religious beliefs, and racism come to mind. Heavy issues. But consider this: the very message of the cartoon, as interpreted by me, is that violence perpetrated in the name of a prophet who promoted and spoke of PEACE is hypocritical. Any group of people hiding behind religious beliefs and using them as an excuse to kill or attack other human beings is flat out misguided. Of course, the grand irony of the this situation is that by responding to the cartoons with riots, by attacking embassy’s and burning down KFC’s and spewing words of hatred, these extremists are giving credibility to the cartoons! They are fulfilling the stereotypes, proving the point made by the man who drew the cartoon.
That being said, Muslims aren’t the only ones falling into this category. Look no further than our very own President, who based his entire campaign on the platform of morality, derived from his strong Christian faith (which won him many swing votes, especially from the bible belt). Yet somehow he has been able to justify the bombing and destruction of thousands of innocent lives in the Middle East. God told him to go after the terrorists in Afghanistan, just as God told him to end the tyranny in Iraq. Really? Did God tell you to torture and humiliate prisoners and blow up civilians whose only crime was living in a country with massive oil reserves and a maniacal dictator they did not put into power?  (The US doesn’t have this excuse, more than half of the population voted Bush in.) I shudder to think where "God" will send him next. Perhaps somewhere with the means to fight back. What was that part in the bible where it says something about ‘turn the other cheek?’ He must of skipped over that and went directly to the section about gays being evil. All over the world, in every culture and every religion, there are people who twist their religion in to something it was not meant to be, a manipulation to suit their own needs and desires.
Back to the cartoon. Although someone has a right to do something, it doesn’t always make it a great idea. Sure, they had the right to print that cartoon. But why intentionally do something that you know will upset and incite an entire religion? It’s called responsible journalism. Especially with the delicate nature of cultural relations in the current world climate? And if they didn’t know the type of reaction that would ensue, a simple apology and "I take it back, I won’t do it again" could have put an end to this messy, escalating situation. But it seems pride and being correct are more important to some.
The more I read about different religions and philosophies, the more I see the similarities. All religion is founded on love and respect for one another, on peace and tolerance. And yet it somehow evolves and gets twisted into the exact opposite, which is truly upsetting. Will America and the Middle East ever be able to reconcile their differences? I think the best we can hope for is an administration in office who steps up to the plate and says: "Hey Middle East. Sorry we’ve been an asshole for so long. You were and asshole too, but lets put that behind us. From now on, we will mind our own business, and respect your culture, and we ask the same of you. Live and let die. In Peace." Even so, the hatred may run too deep. The seeds have taken firm hold, and the roots are hard to unearth. You were right David, I think Switzerland did have the right idea.

Those of you who are native western new yorkers will remember the feeling you had as a kid when you woke up for school, saw several feet of snow on the ground, and ran to the t.v. to watch the scrolling closings list at the bottom of the screen. They were displayed in alphbetical order, and you would inevitably tune in one letter after your school and have to wait an agonizing 5 to 7 minutes for it to come around again, all the while trying to figure out what your superintendant would decide based on the surrounding district closings: "Damn Penfield, they always close, I hate you Penfield!" "Oooh, yes! Pittsford is closed, they’re right around the corner! Come on Fairport!" There was nothing sweeter than finally seeing your school name, in all it’s glory, with the word CLOSED next to it! It opened up a world of possiblities, such as going back to sleep, watching tv, playing outside…well, that was about it. That total lack of obligation and absence of necessity was a gift to be cherished, and it was.
Things are different when you are an adult. Today, the school where I teach in Jersey was closed due to weather. I got the call at 11, and the initial reaction was the same, sheer joy! Thoughts of video games and lazily reading in bed raced through my head- until my adult mind took over. It bluntly reminded me, "don’t get too excited there bub. you need the money. remember those reproductions of your new headshots you are getting done? remember the overdue loans? credit cards? cell phone bill?" I responded with, "yeah, well there’s nothing i can do about it, is there? so shut up and let me sleep." Of course, he had a comeback. "Really? you gonna sit around and waste the day, when you could be doing something productive? get off your ass and do something. do something. do something-" Eventually, he won out, and I went about creating a productive day. And I felt good about it, upbeat, happy to be accomplishing something, taking advantage of the situation! Except, here’s how my day went…
Headed to Chelsea studios for an audition for Millie, stopping on the way to hand off keys to my apartment to Garfield so he could make copies of his demo. After arriving at the holding room, I was greeted as I entered by who I presume to be the monitor. "Can I help you?" I told him I was here for the Millie audition, and he told me they weren’t seeing Non-equity today. I looked around the room and saw 25 guys. I said, "really?" and he told me I could come back tomorrow and be typed at 2pm sharp. I can’t go. So, I tried to get in across the hall at Sacremento Music Circus. Wouldn’t see me. Still determined, with my adult voice ringing in my frozen ears (do something!), I headed up to AEA to try and get seen for Pittsburgh CLO. There, posted in the oh-so-familiar hallway, was my fate spelled out in big black letters: "No Non Equity Today." Fine. You can’t stop me when I’m determined! On to Nola Studios! Wait- ahhh! Hidden slushy puddle! Soaked up to the ankle! "I should go home now," I thought. But that damn adult voice was relentless! Fine on to Nola. Merry Go Round- appointment only. Norman Meranus, York Theater Company- gone. Damn it, 0 for 5!
At this point, I was quite aggravated, and I knew of only one thing that would simultaneously calm me and give me the sense of accomplishment I was craving- YOGA! I had a terrific class, and had a chance to really push aside the external and focus my mind internally- with my adult mind appeased. I can accept the things I experienced today and learn from them. They are now part of me. And next time I have an unexpected day off, and my adult voice kicks in, I’ll tell it not to worry, and to follow me out the door- to yoga class. Unless I can wrangle my equity card before then….

You may find this blog entry a bit disjointed, as I need to vent. Freedom of Speech? Freedom of the Press? Freedom…a word much abused by the current administration. Less than an hour ago, I clicked a link to the "Top Stories-AP" site to read a story titled "Bush Shrugs Off Questions About Spy Program." Not 5 minutes ago, when I revisited the site, the same article was retitled to read "Bush Fields Questions About Spy Program." I obviously don’t know who ordered the change, but it is clear that there is a battle going on in the media these days, and that battle mirrors the current political landscape. The sides have been chosen: Liberals in favor of truth at all costs, regardless of consequence, and Conservatives in favor of protecting themselves, their image, and their vision of America, regardless of what rights and values are tread upon along the way. It is not as black and white as that, but the majority of the country, the muddled middle, is in danger of being squeezed out by the extreme right and left.

Shrugging is exactly what Bush has been doing for 5 years, in response to any and every accusation or question raised to him. "Why did your administration lie to the American people in order to start a war that has greatly benefitted you and your buddies financially?" "When are you going to end this unjust and immoral war and bring our troops home?" "Why didn’t you come to the aid of the residents of New Orleans in a timely manner in the wake of Hurricane Katrina?" "Why do you consistantly nominate unqualified friends of yours to important government positions?" "Why did you ignore the Constitution and illegally spy on American Citizens?" "Is your power absolute, does it have no end?"  The answer is always the same: freedom…blah blah democracy…blah war on terror…blah blah resolve blah God Bless America!

How is it that Bill Clinton, who’s only major mistake was infidelity while in office, faced possible impeachment, and Bush doesn’t even feel the need to answer questions about his agenda? This guy isn’t made of steel, he’s made of teflon. I fear the future of checks and balances in this country. If things continue down the current path, the democracy Bush claims he is trying to protect, and spread around the world (to places that don’t want our "help") will give way to a new form of democracy, "Bush’s Democracy." Under this new government, the President will have absolute power, to go to war, to change laws, to put whoever he wants in political offices (like he did recently when he appointed 17 people during a Congressional Recess so that they wouldn’t have to be confirmed by Congress for a year, according to the NY Times-17!) In other words, he will be a King. He already thinks of the US as a totalitarian state run by him, since he was "chosen by the people."

Is it "un-american" to question our leaders and authority fugures, or to disagree with a war that has killed thousands and put a chasm of hatred between millions more? No Mr. Bush, it is exactly that freedom that makes us American. Every single day, there are reports of car bombings and suicide bombers and attacks by insurgents, and more US soldiers killed. Things are not going well in Iraq. There are still enough people in this country that believe in peace and justice, and true freedom, to keep dishonest politicians like you in check. So yes, God Bless the USA, but not just the USA…try to remember that next time you or your staff give the go ahead to torture and humiliate other human beings.

Ever find yourself in a situation where you take a step back, look around, and think, "How did I end up here? How did I end up in this place at this time with these people?" I do, and fairly often it seems. Such was the case at just after 4am Wednesday morning, as I got ready to leave the Czechoslovakian Social Club.

How did I end up at a members only club, which I had previously passed many times in my own neighborhood? I simply asked if I could go in. Someone I work with at Becco, who just so happens to be from Slovakia, split a cab with me back to Queens. She was stopping in there for a drink, as it was the last night the establishment was in operation. I knew this was the last chance I’d have to check the place out. It intrigued me, and I was curious what it would be like to hang out with complete strangers who barely spoke English, and be able to walk home afterward. Hey, it’s cheaper than a Eastern European Vacation! Still, it was a little out of character for me. I don’t much travel out of my comfort zone, especially with people I hardly know. Perhaps it was the 2 glasses of vino rossa I had enjoyed, or the full meal resting in my belly, that gave me the impetus. In any case, once I walked through those doors, I felt like I was no longer in New York.

I was greeted warmly by a group of middle aged, smiling people. The woman was her Aunt, and she said what I presume to be hello in another language. After a brief dialog between Tina, the girl who let me in, and her Aunt, I was welcomed by a few other gentleman in broken English. After having a seat, I surveyed the setting, a festively decorated place, fairly dark with strings of lights softly illuminating the long narrow room. The place was quite full, with many older patrons, who looked to be regulars, populating a messy group of tables in the back. A few younger men and women had moved tables out of the way to create a dance floor, and they spun and swayed to the music playing from the jukebox. The music I heard over the course of the 3 hours I was there ranged from thumping techno sounds with foreign language blasting over it, to old American music, such as Ace of Base, which I heard at least 3 times. The bar was fully seated; a few men discussing soccer wearing futbol jerseys, a soldier in desert camo, and slick looking man in a turtleneck trying to get the female bartender to kiss him for hours, being made fun of by his friends at the other end of the bar. All in another language. Still, i stayed as they kept putting beers in front of me, saying cheers every 10 minutes to one thing or another. Even after the one person I vaguely knew left, I stayed to observe. They were very kind to me, and I spoke with a few different people, relaxing a little more with each conversation, until I no longer felt like an outsider.

I think there was a lesson in there somewhere. Perhaps to be more spontaneous, to try new things, to experience small portions of other cultures whenever possible. The one thing I really took away from that experience was a sense of human interconnectedness. These people grew up and lived halfway around the world, and came here searching for something better. But they were just like people in any other bar I’ve been to. Some a little older, some a little drunker, but the same in spirit. There are so many people in the world we will never know, never meet. Never share laughter or stories with. But just to know that they are much like us, that is something to build off of. If we could focus more on the things we share and less on the things that set us apart, that open-mindedness could do wonders…

Although the social club is now closed, there is another place where Czechs gather, and you may be surprised where it is . Visited by many famous Czechs, including President Vaclav Hovel, the Beer Gardens (which you Astorians know quite well) has an interesting history! http://www.bohemianhall.com/

Believe it, my blog is no longer on hiatus. Lucky for you.

So. Today is New Years Day.  And as another year begins, along with it comes a chance for change, for improvement, for bigger and better things. Now is the time for self examination, for some much needed introspection, a priority check.  You may find yourself asking the same questions as me: What is important to me? What do I want to accomplish in the next 365 days? What steps can I take towards self actualization and the full realization of my potential? How can I keep my perspective and pursue not only my "money-minded" goals, but also my spiritual goals, and really strive for enlightenment? These are some heavy hitting questions, especially after a night of heavy drinking. Questions that require a lot of thought. And as I rolled out of bed at the crack of 2pm today, I lay there pondering my future, and I found…I wasn’t able to come up with any answers on the spot. In fact, I consciously pushed aside the questions, vowing to return to them later in the day. Which I have yet to do. In fact, I don’t think my new year is off to a very good start…

After finally rolling out of bed, i managed my way to the kitchen where i spent countless seconds deciding between waffles and oatmeal. I chose the former, and as I poured my OJ, my day was off and running. Surely, as the first day of 2006, today would be a sign of things to come, right? Lets hope not. Today has been to this point what I like to refer to as a "nothing day." After the juice pouring, things went downhill, and I lost all ambition. I eyed the bananas, and quickly decided that opening the plastic bag (which was closed with a knot, not a twisty) and the act of peeling it were beyond the scope of my abilities at that time. Surely I’d return to the banana on my trip back to the kitchen to wash my dish. From there I made it back to my room, plopped onto the couch, and flicked on the tv. There I remained for a few hours, not changing the channel, moving only slightly to reach for the phone a few times, where I carried on a few lazy, uninspired conversations. Many thoughts of action crossed my mind; I could go to the store, return movies to blockbuster, take a shower, do some yoga- but each idea was met strict opposition. Eventually i did head to the kitchen, but merely dropping the dish in the sink, and grabbing the mountain dew on my way back to the couch. After hours of nothing, I picked up the guitar and played it-for 6 minutes. I began to loath myself for starting off the year by doing absolutely nothing. I mean, Carpe Diem, right! Which is how I made my way to this computer, and wrote this blog entry. Wow, I feel much better, a wave of satisfaction has washed over me, a sense of accomplishment! I feel as though I am ready to take on the world, to bravely face the new year,to seize my destiny! I just need to have dinner first. Hmmm, nothing to eat here. Guess…I have to…leave the apartment. Damn. That’s it! My New Years Resolution is to live each day fully, not to waste days sitting around being lazy! No more "nothing days" for me!

I can start tomorrow, right?

The big news in the New York Theatre world today was the strike instituted by the musicians involved with the Radio City Christmas Show. The 35 piece Orchestra, members of the American Federation of Musicians, walked out Wednesday night and were joined in principal by their IOTC counterparts (the stage crew.) The orchestra members are demanding a salary increase and benefits, largely stemming from issues surrounding the amount of overtime they work. The immensely popular "Christmas Spectacular" performs up to 6 (SIX!) 90 minute shows a day, and the musicians are not paid accordingly, although they have a very profitable contract, one of the most desired contracts among union musicians, not to mention year round benefits.  Still, one can not argue against one getting paid the going rate, and getting paid for all time worked, all shows performed. That’s business!

The question that’s raised in my mind is about the future of the "live orchestra." Coupled with the Broadway Musicians 4 day strike in 2003, other recent musician strikes such as the NYC Ballet which resulted in performances to taped recordings, and the current state of regional houses and national tours, there are clearly issues that have yet to be resolved. Today the Radio City Orch. tried to suck it up and return to work, only to be told to leave, until such time as a new contract is agreed upon. In the meantime, performances are going ahead as scheduled, using a recorded 55 piece orchestra. You know what that tells me? Striking is dangerous territory. Those musicians are placing their livelihood in the hands of theatre-goers, who will ultimately decide whether a show with recorded music is still worth equal price of admission. And if they still show up at those doors this week, and they still sell out the theater, that will only re-enforce the bottom line thinking of producers, who’d be happy to proceed with the show as it is, and save themselves a little extra money.

Q and A time: Is hiring live musicians expensive? Yes. Do they deserve the money they get paid? Yes, it is a highly specialized skill and an unstable line of work. Can you tell the difference between live and recorded music? Yes, believe me, you can. As technology develops, will live musicians be phased out in favor of a virtual orchestra? In many venues, yes, such as tours and some regional theater. But I believe most reputable theaters in New York and across the country will continue to employ real living breathing people, although perhaps smaller numbers of them. You may not see 35 people, but 12 real people are better than 1 computer in my book. I do think that VO’s are beneficial as a supplemental tool, to fill out the sound, but lets hope they continue to be used in conjunction with, not in place of, humans. Beware the Matrix!

While in the grand scheme of things, I know i’m not that old, there are times when I definitely feel the passage of time. Often, this awareness presents itself to me around large events taking place in my life. One such event was this past weekend, as I attended the wedding of my friends Devon and Carey in Indianapolis. It was a great weekend, filled with dancing, drinking, music and food galore, not to mention dress wearing and competitive game playing!

Upon arriving home from Indy, I found myself taking stock of my own life. While many of "the boys" who attended this weekends festivities are now married with kids, have houses and jobs they love, and seem genuinely happy with their lives, I am facing a bit more uncertainty in mine. Being a performer doesn’t tend to lend itself to a "normal" life, or any form of stability. But as my therapist often remarks when I tell him I wish I was had a normal life, "what is normality?"

I suppose this is the age where I should be wrapping things up in New York, looking for that steady "grown up" job and settling down. Well, sorry mom, I think you are gonna have to wait a little longer! There are things I still want to do, goals to reach, many things I know I am capable of…and just because I have a few grey hairs (i found them last week-fine with me as long as they don’t fall out!) doesn’t mean I have to drop everything and go to law scool- although, the salary, benefits and job security would be nice! But I know now that I do have that option, that I can choose another career without fear of admitting to failure. It’s not about that for me any more, it’s about what I love to do. I love performing and teaching, creating art and choreography. I hope they will always be a part of my life, no matter how old I get, no matter how sore I am after a fierce dance audition (Chorus Line today!) or a game of football in Astoria Park. It’s fun to think about where you’ll be and what you’ll be doing when you’re 70. I think I’ll be happily married, in the burbs, tapping and playing golf, still doing shows, still wondering what I’ll be when I grow up…

Wink if you’ve ever slept in the same room as someone who has done one of the following, while asleep: talked, yelled, hit you, thrown something at you, laughed demonically, made really wierd sucking noises, or snored so loud you thought they "must be joking!" If you winked to all of the above, you are in the same boat as me. And every time something like that happens, my reaction is always the same-it freaks me out! I know that it’s most likely perfectly normal, a natural human function. But what really freaks me out is that I may do it too, and I have no idea what I do or say when I’m asleep! None of us do, but it’s kinda creepy to think about, the fact that your mind is clicking on all cylinders even though your body is enveloped motionless in a swirl of blankets and pillows. For all I know, I could be revealing my innermost thoughts and ideas, and someone could be spying on me in my sleep, trying to get the inside scoop on "what derek’s doing in his dreams." Hey, it happened on Alias.(BTW, Jennifer Garner is the hottest pregnant woman ever, and I hate Ben Affleck.) What’s even scarier is sleep walking, or people who have night terrors, where they run and scream in their sleep- are you kidding me?! It doesn’t suck to do that, so much as it must suck to sleep next to someone who does! It must be like living with a zombie. I hear a scream 2 feet from my head while i’m sleeping, I do one of two things: 1) run, or 2) start punching things, in the direction of the noise. I make no apologies, you’ve been warned. While I am writing this, my sister has been mumbling some form of jibberish in bed. All I could make out was givamasluntter and something about no, i forrwilssinthe hrrott. Makes no sense to me, but that’s typical of heather. I’m just glad I don’t talk in my sleep…or do I?

For Info on all things sleep related, check out www.sleepeducation.com

Rap music. Hip-Hip. That’s what’s hot! Thats what people crave. Many people, many cities, many ages, many races, they all want the "hot new joint." As a musician, and someone who enjoys all types of music, I enjoy listening to rap music. It’s actually part of my job, as a hip-hop dance teacher. Like any other genre, there are good, talented artists, and there are a whole lot of idiots, who somehow manage to get a recording contract. I guess a lot of it is about the image they project. I mean, it seems like it would be relatively simple to write a legit rap song. Right?

Well, don’t be so sure. While anyone who can rhyme and keep a beat can write a rap, writing a good song is a different ballgame altogether. There are many factors to consider: rhyme, rhythm, meter, tempo, intonation, melody, and most importantly content. Just like any other form of popular music, there are a lot of variables, and once the mix is right on paper, the artist must bring their unique vibrancy to the song. I would argue it is actually harder to write a good rap song than many other genres(i could write a good blues song in 10 minutes, although I couldn’t play it!) A good rapper has the power to move and inspire, as well as entertain (check out Kanye West and Talib Kwali), but  a 50 Cent type will get equal playtime on the air, because his songs are really freakin catchy! Simple, easily recognizable, and utterly requestable at a club or party. Don’t be surprised if you see me bouncing to one of those mindless songs like "In Da Club!" I can’t help myself when the beat takes over!  Over the next week or two, i am going to write a rap song. That’s right, twigs is gonna lay down a track, ya heard?! Then we’ll see just how easy(or difficult) it really is!